As i wander through this city thinking, thinking, thinking, I realize a few things in part.
I run to this ideal of beauty that I feel my body betrays because I am so lonely and starving for intimacy.
Like all of us I want to be held, affirmed, loved by someone I feel connection to.
I realize though as I disocciate and fall out of panic…I am me.
Everything I often want to burn out of my brain are some of my greatest gifts.
I am lonely and human. I am a writer even if I struggle daily to write…
I am a bleeding heart sewn roughly to a sleeve of a shirt I want to tear off.
This bleeding heart is my humanity and my ability to love.
My pussy isn’t a begging bowl.
I do no offer it open and pleading
trying to capture any affection you should choose to fill it with.
Do you imagine that later I sift through the contents while lying on the cold tiled bathroom floor?
Fingers deep in my cunt searching for something resembling love as your reckless indecision pours out white and sticky onto my thighs?
My mouth isn’t trying to hold your tongue between my teeth.
Why would I silence a voice I have pleaded to hear so many times? Do you know how much of my own blood I swallow each time I bite down on the words your actions make me fearful to say?
I do not tie your hands together with my pink rope. Neither do I shackle your feet to one place with gold bands, red silk, nor the weight of so much guilt.
I only offered water, asked for stories, and gave you the warmth of my bed to rest from your days of running.
All the while seeing the expanse of your dreams and hoping you would not cower at the sheer magnitude of my own.
What did today affirm?
To love myself. Deeply.
Love myself, love myself, love myself. So I can just be so full of love and like honey overflowing I run over onto your fingers
Into your mouth,
Sweet and soft.
Feeding my community, my babies, my sisters, my family, my siblings, with all my abundance.
Brown and black. Red, dark gold and pink.
The colours of my skin, hair, blood, eyes, and womb.
So much, I am so much.
So much pleasure.
So much deeply felt emotion.
So much intelligence, ferocity, so much so much.
So much LOVE.
I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loveable. I loveable. I love me. I am love.