I gave up the possibility of marriage and a house.
A fat pug, a chubby baby, safety in arms that held me and a framed degree.

Can I dive into the water instead?
Water deep and dark?

Can I relearn to love the feeling of being submerged?

I remember at 10, after diving off the diving board.

The electricity as I approached, dizzying.

Hitting the water and then …. silence.

Can I live there in the water just before resurfacing again?
I really loved that swimming silence.
Before becoming afraid.

What is good is not drowning, when I am endlessly choking on my own fear?

No shores, I will allow islands but no shores of safety.
No pool edges to cling to.
No false safe shores at least.
No, not for me.
For as soon as I take steps, my skin burns and I shrivel.

Please, can I swim again?
I think some drowning is needed.